lAGGING SKILLS NOT LAGGING MOTIVATION
“Kids do well if they can”
– Dr. Ross Greene
Kids sometimes show behaviours that concern us when they find it hard to meet certain expectations.
Imagine a child who often refuses to go to bed on time or a child who frequently gets upset when things don’t go their way.
The reason these challenges occur is because the demands of the situation are greater than the child’s skills to handle it.
For a child who struggles with completing their homework. The pressure to finish their assignments might exceed their ability to stay focused and organised.
In any given situation, there are specific skills kids need in order to respond to in an appropriate way.
Frustration Tolerance Skills are needed to persevere and push through a difficult homework assignment. Adaptability & Flexibility Skills are required when transitioning to a new school or adapting to a new schedule. Problem Solving & Communication Skills to resolve disagreements with siblings on who gets to watch their favourite television show. Emotion Regulation Skills to deal with the disappointment of having to stay home on a rainy day.
Kids do well if they can. If kids have the skills to do well, they would. Meeting life’s expectations and behaving in an adaptive way serves their best interest far better than losing their mind. So it’s not that kids lack motivation, they lack the skills.
Solution.
Focus on understanding the underlying reasons behind concerning behaviours in children. Behaviour is a communication, or an outcome of an underlying problem. Challenges are addressed proactively, before the arrival of a concerning episode.
Using empathy and open communication, CPS forges team building between parents and children. Through fact finding and problem-solving discussions, leading to realistic and mutually satisfactory solutions addressing the concerns of both parents and children.
Why Choose CPS?
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Practise Makes Perfect
CPS nurtures emotional intelligence by allowing children to practice identifying and expressing their challenges constructively. While also taking into consideration the concerns of others. Not all of us are born with a natural proficiency in these skills. Some kids need more support than others.
SKILLS ENHANCEMENT
Problem Solving & Communication
CPS at its core is a problem-solving model. Life is riddled with problems waiting to be solved. What better way to improve this skill set than by actively solving the problems negatively impacting lives. Effective problem solving involves communicating one’s concerns and listening to the concerns of others.
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Repair Parent & Child Bonds
When you’re able to resolve disagreements with one another without conflict, relationships thrive. When you truly listen to others and consider their concerns; trust, understanding and empathy take root. By partnering with your child, you work towards a harmonious future between you and your child.
In our bustling household, tensions were high due to frequent bedtime meltdowns by my eight-year-old daughter Emily. Traditional discipline methods didn’t seem to work, and we were eager to bring back peace. Discovering Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS), we decided to give it a shot.
During our initial Plan B conversations, it became evident that Emily’s resistance to bedtime was tied to a heightened fear of the dark. We had assumed she was stalling sleep. Through heartfelt conversations, we unveiled Emily’s true concern. Collaboratively, we crafted solutions to make her feel more secure in the dark, like a nightlight and a special bedtime routine.
What made this solution shine was its mutual satisfaction. Achieving a peaceful bedtime routine was our goal as parents, while addressing Emily’s concerns was equally important. With time, her fear subsided, and bedtime meltdowns became history. This experience taught us that assumptions can blur understanding, and involving Emily in the process enabled us to tackle the actual issue behind her behavior.
John was encountering difficulties in staying focused and completing assignments in his middle school classroom. Initially, it seemed like he lacked motivation, and the school attempted using reward systems. Unfortunately, this approach didn’t seem to bring about any improvements, leading to growing frustration for both John and his teachers.
When the school introduced CPS, I saw an opportunity to approach John’s challenges in a different light. Through collaborative Plan B conversations, we uncovered that John’s struggles were rooted in his struggles with organization and time management, which left him feeling overwhelmed. Together with the teachers John helped to develop strategies that would break down assignments into manageable steps and incorporate tools to support his organizational skills.
While the road was not without its bumps, our commitment to a problem-solving mindset paid off. Over time, I witnessed a transformation in John’s performance at school and his willingness to communicate openly at home.
Unmet expectations = unsolved problems
The key tool in CPS is called a Plan B conversation, which is where the magic of collaboration happens. In a Plan B conversation, we identify an expectation that the child is having difficulty meeting. This sets the stage to hear about the child’s concerns and their perspectives, communicates why it is important an expectation is met (adults concern) and invites the child to come up with mutually satisfactory solutions.
Common unmet expectations (unsolved problems) that we commonly address with parents:
- Difficulty going to church on Sundays.
- Difficulty getting out of bed at 7am in the morning.
- Difficulty sitting next to sister at dinner.
- Difficulty taking turns playing chess with brother.
- Difficulty making bed before school.
- Difficulty brushing teeth before bed at night.
- Difficulty putting down iPad at 8:00pm
- Difficulty standing in line at the supermarket
- Difficulty eating dinner at grandma’s house
- Difficulty remembering PE kit
Plan B (Collaborative Problem solving)
Identify Unmet Expectation
Our process starts by identifying areas where the kids is having difficulty meeting expectations. Often marked by explosive or antisocial behaviour. Each unsolved problem will be tackled individually. Prioritisation for problems that affect health & safety. This stage is conducted with parents / caregivers only.
Empathy Step
Once we have identified the unsolved problems, we get together with the child and drill for information to find out exactly what it is that is getting in the child’s way of meeting the expectation.
Define Adults Concerns
It is important for the child to know what the adults concerns are and why it is important for that particular expectation to be met.
Collaborative Problem Solving
Now that both parties (parent & child) have had the opportunity to voice their concerns. We (coach, parents & child) brainstorm mutually satisfactory solutions to address the concerns of both parties.
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